Every prison movie I’ve ever seen in my life consists of two things. Well, possibly three.
Bathroom and shower unpleasantness, an angry warden, and home-made (cell-made) alcohol.
Recently, I caught an episode of AOTS that featured a link to a website called Blacktable.com that featured an article on how to make your very own Pruno (prison seal of approval pending).
Pruno is an alcoholic beverage that is made mostly in prison through the use of fruits and breads and various other things. It’s usually mixed in the toilet, and from what I can tell (thanks largely in part to the media) it tastes like hog-shit.
A weaker man would say “You know, I’m ok with drinking my Bud and my Smirnoff. I don’t need this shit take be a man!” And of course, the numbers of men who would call themselves “weaker” would include me in their ranks.
But with the all benefits outweighing the risks:
“The beverage, if made improperly — such as in ‘tin cans’ — can cause severe illness and possibly blindness.”
Source: Wikipedia/Pruno
I find myself thinking, why not?!
Your recipe includes the following:
* Ten oranges. In our prison commissary, Valencia oranges were on sale, ten for $2. Your prison commissary may differ.
* An eight ounce can of fruit cocktail. In this case, an 8.5 ounce can of Del Monte’s “fruit cocktail in heavy syrup,” for 90 cents.
* Forty to sixty sugarcubes. Either hang out with old people who still use sugarcubes or steal a ton of sugar packets from the local deli.
* Sixteen ounces of water. Tap is fine, since like, you *are* in prison.
* A big plastic bag that can be sealed. Trashbags and rubber bands are totally cool. We used Ziploc bags.
* Some ketchup. Six packets of ketchup from the local deli should cover things nicely. Please use Heinz, because anything else is kinda nasty and will ruin your Pruno.
* A towel.
Source: Blacktable.com
“By most accounts, pruno isn’t something a normal human would want to drink, so potent that two gallons is said to be “a virtual liquor store,” enough to get a dozen people mindblowingly wasted. And while it tastes so putrid that even hardened prisoners gulp it down while holding their noses, they’ll go to incredible lengths to make it, whipping up batches from frosting, yams, raisins and damn near everything.”
Source: Blacktable.com
Now while I would rather blast off with the Green Fairy instead of shit in a bottle, it interested me as to not only how did one go about making this vile drink (a few times in Juvy as a teenager left me needing something to wet my appetite and the only thing I could think of was I wish I knew how to make that prison Alcohol) and more importantly, why would anybody drink alcohol that was made in a toilet in a prison cell?
And no matter how nice they look brand-new, give them a few years of hardened use without a real need to clean them, you might as well be making them in this.
And as to the rest, well - here is my Top 10 list of Reasons why Someone of sound mind and body would drink Pruno.
10. Sucking down Natural Ice beer just wasn’t the grossest thing they could think of drinking.
09. They realized they don’t use the term “what the fuck did I do last night” quite enough.
08. They decided that their video blog needed a ‘Live from the ER’ update section for the night.
07. They wanted to prove Darwinism right.
06. They wanted a ‘cool way to kill themselves’ and didn’t want to do it with such pedestrian alcohol as Bacardi or Goldschlager.
05. Because it’s not alcohol unless you make it in a toilet/trash bag with rotting fruits and only real men know that.
04. Because there was “nothing better to do”.
03. Because throwing up wasn’t just enough - they wanted to throw up and shit themselves and lose all control of every orifice in their body at once and empty out the contents of their stomachs in a wide spiraling arch as their friend video tapes it and posts it to Youtube titled “Family Guy Throw-Up Scene Remake”.
02. Because their too young to buy real alcohol in the first place.
And the number one reason:
Because they’ve been watching “The Sopranos” since Episode 1 and just finished watching the Series Finale
.