Dec 27, 20060
Holy Expletive!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Abridged Version. I think I like this one better than the original and remake combined!
Dec 25, 20060
Merry Christmas
We celebrate, today, the birth of Jesus. Or rather, “Dies Natalis Invicti Solis”, a Pagan Roman holiday that was later taken over by Christians to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
December 25, 1926
Hirohito becomes Emperor of Japan.December 25, 1946
W.C. Fields dead at 67, due to the cumulative effects of his drinking and lifestyle.December 25, 1989
An eager firing squad executes Romanian dictator Nikolai Ceaucescu and his wife Elena on live television. Ceaucescu had run Romania as his private communist fiefdom, garnering the animosity of nearly the entire population. The new government abolishes capital punishment shortly thereafter.December 25, 1995
Rat pack member Dean Martin dead at 78, a martini glass in his hand.December 25, 2006
James Brown dies at the age of 73 early Christmas morning.
Well, I hope everyone got what they asked for. A new bike, a new skateboard, a new loli or Nintendo Wii.
Whatever it is that you asked for, I hope you got it. Whether you’ve been good, bad, or indifferent. Whether you deserved it or not.
I really hope you enjoyed the true spirit of Christmas.
Happy Holidays from Scarform.com, and a very merry Christmas to you, yours, and everyone around you.
Dec 24, 20060
The 12 Days of X-Mas
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On the first day of X-mas, my dreams did bring to me a shiny brand-new Nintendo Wii.
On the second day of X-mas, my dreams did bring to me two bottles of Absinthe.
On the third day of X-mas, my dreams did bring to me three brand new tees.
…
OK, so I hate that song. It’s ridiculous! There is only 1 day of X-mas, and I’d rather have all 77 gifts on the day of X-mas, not the non-existent 12 days of X-mas. What a capitalist idea that is.
Spend! Spend! Spend! Buy! Buy! Buy!
F.y.i, St. Dick, I don’t have a chimney so you can just leave a note on the door. It’ll probably read something like this:
“You’ve been a bastard this year. Plus, you’re way too old to be asking me for stuff. Go out and impregnate the economy with your moneys and reap the rewards of being a good little consumer.
Rot in Hell, S. Claus”
Oh well. I’m not leaving milk and cookies out for that asshole anyway. This year, it’s straight up arsenic and anthrax for that fat jolly old elf!
Merry X-Mas, and a Happy New Year!
Dec 18, 20060
Santa doesn’t exist.
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Dear Santa,
Hi! I�m nine years old. I have two brothers. And my mom. My dad is far away. He�s in heaven, he has been there since March last year … I have been taking care of my mom and I have been a good boy.
We are going to leave you some goodies! How are your reindeer? How are you? Thanks, Santa.
P.S. If I leave out a present for my daddy, will you take it to him in your sleigh? If you can�t, that�s O.K. I love you, Santa, and your reindeer!
Source: Candaka.net
With Christmas one week away, it’s almost hard not to get into the Christmas mood. Unless you’re an adult who had grown up and found out that Santa is nothing more than a myth, perpetrated by your parents in order to give you gifts with the sense that being good has a tangible reward at the end of the year. But even if you’re not good, you still get presents. Because that’s what Christmas is all about.
Consumerism.
Yes, there are some rare examples like the one above where the kid just wants a family again, or wants something nice to befall his or her loved ones, but let’s face it. Once you reach the teenage years, you want nothing more than a toy. Or a new video game. Or a new computer. It’s inevitable that this 9-year-old will grow up into a 15-year-old who wants the same things other 15-year-olds want.
I’m tired of hearing things like “Back in my day, all we wanted was (insert stupid heart warming thing here). We didn’t want your gadgets and gizmos and bla bla bla.” Bullshit. Back in your day, you wanted what was the big thing for back in your day, just like the teenagers of my day wanted what the big thing was for our day. Every generation is the same.
You will be out there in the cold at 2 in the morning waiting for the line to go into the local Toys ‘R Us, trying to get your hands on what you think your kid wants. You will probably get elbowed in the face, stomped in the groin, and have any other horrible thing happen to you. Unless you’re smart and you shop online, these are just the things that you have to come to expect from Christmas.
Of course, your kid wouldn’t be like this if he or she wasn’t copying the gross materialism of their parents. That’s just the way we are. We want and we want, and that’s the only thing that matters.
So I suggest that this year, replace one of your kid’s gifts with a donation in their name to a charity worth giving to. Start this early. Because the earlier you teach them that giving is better than receiving, the sooner you can halt the growth from innocent child into materialistic money grubbing whore.
Just a thought.
Dec 10, 20040
Asshats R’ Us
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2 weeks
Christmas is two weeks away. You know, that holiday where everybody gets together and pretends to be happy for one day out of the year and then goes back to their miserable existences because they aren’t “forced” to be happy anymore because they’ve got a whole ‘nother 365 days until the next facade of a family togetherness feeling mixed in with cheap box whine and gifts you never really wanted so you’ll return the next day but pretend to still have whatever it is that you didn’t want still hanging in your room?
Christmas?!
Yeah, that holiday. It’s just around the corner. Prepare yourself for the eventual flood of bricks of inedible mixtures of candy and whatever else is in it known as Fruit Cake. Get ready for the holiday rush and the traffic jams and the fist fights over the last X-box game for 9.99$ while you do the math in your head and realize that to keep your children and loved ones happy, you have to go without food for a week.
That sugar coated holiday cheer that gets in between your toes like a sick funk, and stinks for two weeks until the day is finally here and we can open our eyes at 5:00am and act happy to be awake at that God awful hour entertaining people we hope to never have to see unless some unfortunate event befalls one of them and then you have to show and do this whole dance again - only the presents are replaced with food, the smiles are replaced with tear filled frowns, and the jolly fat alcoholic who delivers the non-existence presents is replaced with a dead relative in a box you’re about to put into the ground for the rest of eternity, or until some random person comes by and decides he needs a new tuxedo.
Oh well.
Conspiracy
Christmas. Hallmark loves it - grandmothers love it - children love it, although somewhere between the gifts and the candy and the fat alcoholic with a stomach that shakes like a bowl of jelly, we forgot that instead of Rudolph, we’re supposed to be remembering that this was the day that humanity’s Saviour, as it were, was born.
On that day, in some stinking, animal infested disease ridden manger somewhere in the middle of fucking nowhere, the Saviour of all humanity was brought into this world.
And the first thing he saw - not the old guys trying to butter him up with gifts, that’s just a little too strange - were the gifts the old guys were trying to butter him up with.
So there’s a lesson in all of this. Baby Jesus knew it - now you shall know. Christmas isn’t about love, peace and harmony. That’s bullshit created the Hallmark company to sell more of their crap cards to the mass mindless public. The true meaning of Christmas is presents.
So if you don’t get any presents for your family on Christmas, they will hate you forever and Baby Jesus will condemn you to hell.
Whatever.
Merry Fucking Christmas (and a happy new year). Two weeks early, from me to you.