Fact: Your parents were opting for an abortion, but since their religion denies them that one carnal pleasure of Population Control, here you are.
Ergo, I am awesome because you suck.
Fact: Everyone at your job secretly wishes that a horrible yet fantastically and endlessly humorous accident would befall you, therefore removing you from their [...]

Closing down tonight went by a lot faster than it did the other night. I had finished by 10:44 but had made a few mistakes. In my defense, however, I would like to point out that if certain things had not taken place, I would have been able to close down properlly. [...]

Holy fucking Christ, this is the movie of the month?!

“Can I get some free passes - we went into 28 weeks and we didn’t know it was about cannibals - they didn’t show anything like that in the previews. My wife can’t watch that!”
random ‘guest’

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… ha ha ha. Really?! I couldn’t help but laught [...]

Maumelle is… well, Maumelle is what Maumelle is. A bedroom community. Nothing more than a resting spot for the workers of bordering cities to come home and sleep, spend some time with their families, and then head back to their jobs across the river.
I guess it could be a sleeper cell [...]

Me: Hello, welcome to…
Old Man: Hello?
Me: Hello, welcome to…
Old Man: Is this thing on?
Me: Hello, welcome to…
Old Man: My wife says the donkey show is here tonight.
Me: Excuse me?
Old Man: The donkey show. It got rescheduled and I’m just trying to-
Me: Did you say donkey show?
Old Man: Yeah, boy - the donkey show!
Me: I [...]

Last night was the premiere for (us) of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.
The beginning, middle and end were nicely strung together - although there was one part that didn’t seem quite in place to me.
There were also 3 deaths that I didn’t see coming, and to give away a [...]

Deus ex machina (deus ex māchinā) or god from the machine is a working title for each and every one of you.
Plot twist - reinforced with some unbelievable amount of bad luck and then, suddenly, as if from nowhere, resolution. Unbelievable and unfathomably as it may seem, an end has come to [...]