Disassociation

/define: disassociation: “a state in which some integrated part of a person’s life becomes separated from the rest of the personality and functions independently.” I’m looking at the connections; the points; the bridges. I can see how Point A connects to Point B; how Point C relates to Point D. How Point A,B,C, and D should connect. In a realistic sense. However, I’m not quite grasping it. I’m missing something.

It is within my capacity to dwell upon things that more than likely shouldn’t be dwelt upon. To remember key phrases and figures from my past and make really abstract connections to things with them, while sometimes missing the much bigger picture.

/define: family: “an association of people who share common beliefs or activities.” By the very definition, a group of friends would be a family. A group of people who meet at a local bar to watch sports and share the same beliefs as one another could probably be loosely construed as a family.

I know that I am connected to people in this world via bloodlines. But what else connects me to them? What connects me to them? Some sense of moral obligation? Some sense of something that I think should be there? I can go through the motions and put forward this facade; but in the end, what is there? What is it that I’m supposed to be feeling? Love? Empathy? Remorse? Some sort of bond?

It is within my capacity to love, to cherish, to trust, to want. It is beyond my ability to understand what sort of connection a “family” is supposed to have. Maybe that makes me sub-human. Maybe it doesn’t. In all honesty, I don’t know what that makes me.

Sometimes it feels like I just suddenly appeared into this world. This reality. This circumstance. I know this isn’t true; that through the process of birth and nurturing, I arrived in this world a living, breathing, thinking organism.

Did something happen to me along the way that just completely and utterly skewed my perception of normality? I know that normality is a false assumption of anything; what, exactly, is normality anyway? But these feelings that I think I should have; these … capacities to know what connections are, in the sense of them being… was I simply born without these, or did I lose them somewhere along the way?