Author: Matthew Trevino | Categories: Random | Date: May 14, 2007
The Tags: are we done yet, blades of glory, disturbia, fracture, georgia rule, lucky you, Movies, next, spider man 3, the invisible

Two of these I’ve seen, some of them I don’t want to see, and for the most part, I’m just talking out of my ass. But who really cares? The movie business is a cut throat industry – can’t take it, might as well leave.

Are We Done Yet?

It’s another crappy sequel to another crappy movie. Ice Cube is doing the white-black guy thing and playing another family friendly role while still sporting his gang tats and trying to squeeze on some ass while pretending to enjoy his own personal toilet and striking some prissy modelesque pose on the porcelain throne. What a douche. The only thing worse than his acting is that time I ate at McDonalds and found the manager’s used syringe in my fruit salad full of human waste.

Blades of Glory

Will Ferrel is “the man who can play any role”. That dude is like another imitation version of what Robin Williams used to be – so desperate for work that he’d play anything – including a transexual nanny with more sexual overtones than a porno with Swedish subtitles and the letters PG. Or was it PG13? Either way, we were teaching our kids at a young age that it was okay to wear mommy’s make-up and make retarded jokes about hot flashes. John H… however you spell his name – Napoleon Dynamite – plays a gay ice skater who wears a lot of make-up and isn’t above (or beyond) the jokes that involve two men touching each other’s testicles while skating on ice in front of a bunch of people who can’t get enough of it. And what a wonderful jump-in appearance by Mr. Finni!

Disturbia

The boom mike actually makes more screen time than the stars of this movie. I’d give it a tagline of Hallmark meets that one movie that everybody knows with the guy in the wheelchair who spies on his neighbor and thinks that he kills his wife … only much better. A little slow at some points – and in others the scripts just makes me want to lean forward to however is sitting in front of me and slap them so hard that become impotent right there on the spot – but for the most part, pretty good.

Fracture

I hate Law and Order. I hate CSI. I hate all of the god damned clones of these two stupid series, and I hate Fracture. OMG I totally killed my wife in the face but oh no – what’s this? The gun has no prints on it! My wife was having an affair with the arresting officer! They totally gave away the entire movie in the preview! What a total waste of my fucking time! Who saw it coming in the end where Anthony Hopkins probably dies and or that stupid lawyer that is starring in everything now? Were those references to movies that Hopkins was in that were much better than this crap fest? Probably.

Georgia Rule

The god damn main character’s name is fucking Georgia. How fucking retarded and cliche is that? And they say the fucking name of the movie like a million times throughout – like you forgot what stupid piece of directors shit you were watching in the first place – and the only drawing factor? Lohan is kind of slutty in this. She goes on some guy in a boat – and I guarantee you all the mom’s in the audience covered their children’s eyes while saying something stupid like “Oh the joys of childhood” or some shit. This movie (and all others that exist like this for the sole point of justifying some stupid ideation of how women cling together and form some sort of retarded bond bred of sex and masturbatory aids) makes me want to pour gasoline down my throat, light a match, and explode with happiness! Yippee!

The Invisible

This movie in thirty seconds (or less):
I’m smart, I’m bold, I’m drunk, I’m dead, I’m confused, I’m mad, I’m helpful, I’m hopeful, I’m in love, I’m alive, I’m sad, the end.

Lucky You

Oh boy, there’s a void in the movie industry that was just screaming to be filled – poker movies! I can’t get enough of thirty year old nobodies sitting around a table betting millions and millions of dollars on a totally random situation. What a fucking amazing thing this is! Who said the American spirit was dead? The only real reason to see this? Drew Barrymore looks like total white trash. That, and it’s a perfect movie to get about an hour and a half’s worth of shut eye.

Next

Nick Cage is a psychic who can see 2 minutes into his own future. Whoops, I think I ruined some part of it. Oh, and one of the main terrorists? Gets killed – IN THE PREVIEW! Please, Hollywood – stop showing me crucial moments from the film in the mother fucking previews! Make me WANT to spend 10 bucks to see this shit! And when it goes CGI – you will notice.

Spider Man 3

Geek boys have been spraying their shorts ever since the announcement of this one – OMG, that one dude didn’t kill uncle Ben, it was that other guy from Wings! And he’s made of sand… for some reason. And look, Harry Osbourne is the Hobgoblin and he knows Peter Parker is Spiderman and there’s Eric Foreman playing what is supposed to be a macho jock guy who later becomes Venom after Spiderman gets the ooze on him and then off of him only to have a final fight with Venom and beat him with what? Sound waves? You know what sound waves I’m hearing? Words. They’re saying “Gayest boss battle. Ever.”

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