Mon. Aug 14 2006

It’s raining. Again. I tried grabbing an audio recording of it to use for one of my songs and I can’t convert it to wave to use in the program. Sometimes I really hate not having the tools I used to have. And the computer I used to have. That 1.4 gig processor could run circles around this 400 meg processor I’m stuck with right now. Plus, the mouse doesn’t ever want to work right, so I’m constantly getting frustrated with it as it jumps around the screen in the exact opposite direction that I want it to go.

I’ve been out of work for 8 months now, and it’s really starting to wear on my nerves. Not the fact that I’ve been out of work, but the fact that I don’t have any money. I know the two go hand in hand, but it still seriously sucks. I’m not looking forward to going back to work, either, because I have to deal with a bunch of assholes and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep myself from saying something stupid which will just end up putting me back in the current situation of not having any work.

My teeth are in even worse condition now – my gums have bleeding steadily for the past few weeks, and a few of them are rotted. Of course, not having work, I don’t have the two or three thousand dollars it’s going to take to fix my years and years of neglecting them. So for now, I just get to deal with it and continue to suck down the blood from my gums like I’ve been doing.

Heather got two kitties that are evil little bastards that don’t like Lucian. I told her that getting a cat was a bad idea. So what does she do? She gets two of them. Behind my back, she gets two unagreed to kittens that I hate. I had originally said no, no cats. I hate cats. But then I lightened up recently and said, fine, ok, get a kitten. ONE kitten. What does she do? She comes home with two little spawns from hell and then says, well they’re sisters and I couldn’t seperate them. They would have gotten over it! They’re fucking cats, not kids from Guam for shit’s sake! That’s nature! Seperation of families is what nature does best! And who the animals do? They learn to eventually get over it! But no! Now I’m stuck with two fucking kittens that I don’t like, that hiss and scratch whenever Lucian wants to go somewhere in HIS OWN HOUSE and who I don’t see lasting out the month because if they don’t shape up and learn to like Lucian, then I’m getting rid of them. Stupid fucking felines.

We got sick a few weeks ago and the sickness lingered for a week and a half. I was coughing, sniffling, sneezing, had a headache, had severe body pains and my chest hurt. Of course, Heather being the drama queen she is, she had to one up me and get really weak (to the point of falling over). I was gone for most of it as I had moved in with my Aunt in an attempt to get a job in Conway, but moved back just in time to see her go to the hospital for the night. She came back, saying they wanted to keep her overnight for something to do with her heart. She refused. The day she came back, we went back up to the hospital to stay there for like five hours just to have them tell her she is fine and she can go home. What the fuck’s up with that? There’s another hospital bill we can worry about losing everything in our lives for, if the fact that my not having any sort of income doesn’t do that first.

Dad’s been real nice with groceries and stuff lately. He called earlier to see if we had groceries. I didn’t really check, and upon later checking, should have probably said, no, no we don’t. But not wanting to get even more money from him in the form of groceries, I said no, we have groceries, but thank you anyway. What the hell was I supposed to do? He payed $100 on our light bill. I mean, if he hadn’t had done that, our lights probably would have been cut off by now. Which, they probably are going to get cut off anyway, but who cares? It’s my fault because I don’t have a job.

This whole marriage has been coming down to just that: laying blame. It’s so and so’s fault for leaving food out, so now we have ants. It’s so and so’s fault for never coming home, or it’s so and so’s fault that he doesn’t have a job so we can’t pay bills and be able to live. Yeah, I get it. It’s my fucking fault I don’t have a job and it’s my fucking fault that we’re going to lose everything. I get it. Seriously.

Heather went back to work today. She works from 3 to 11. They’re cutting her hours on her paycheck and not paying her as much as they originally told her they would. First, she said she loved her job. Then she said she was going to quit because she couldn’t fucking stand it. Now, after this whole sick thing, she says she owes it to them to go back because they’ve been so “understanding”. What a load of shit. Either you like your job or you don’t. It’s no reflection on them as people whether or not the company controlling where you work pays you what it’s supposed to. Of course, her being the responsible one with the job right now, her going back to work was a good thing. Although she’s going to be missing a week from her check. Which will mean that rent is either going to be late or short. Which means we’ll have yet another bill to worry about.

The funny thing I find in all of this is that even when I was working, our marriage still sucked. I mean, what the hell? She wants to hang this all on my not working, but then, she neglects the afore mentioned fact that our marriage sucked even when I was working? I love her and all, but she does not know how to be a wife. Friend, maybe. But when you put her in the position of loving housewife, all you really get is person who never comes home or calls and complains about every little thing unless it’s completely to her liking woman. What a pain in my ass.

And on the whole working thing, she first wants to say that, oh boo hoo, I’m going to leave her because I’m going to get a job and be self sufficient and find out I don’t need her anymore. But on the other hand, she wants to ride my ass and tell me how much of a bitch she can be until I actually get a job? I hate to break it to her, but she was a bitch long before I got a job, lost the job, got the second job, and lost the second job. I don’t have to be unemployed for her to be a bitch and ruin my life. She does that on a daily basis by blaming everything that’s wrong under the sun on me.

Anyway, it’s not that I don’t love her. I love her with all of my heart. But I could also love her alot more if she wasn’t such a bitch. But then again, I guess I have myself to blame for that.